


Benny Horror Picture Show

by pqlaertes



Category: Rocky Horror Picture Show, due South
Genre: Crack, Filk, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 03:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pqlaertes/pseuds/pqlaertes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>silly, slashy filks</p>
            </blockquote>





	Benny Horror Picture Show

 

**Opening Credits**

Fangirls:  
When the Mountie arrived  
I'm glad that Ray survived  
'cos Ben almost got him killed.  
Diefenbaker was there  
With our wonderful pair  
Whose relationship went unfulfilled.  
And we watched vicious Vic  
Lead our Ben by his dick  
How she caught out that Canadian!  
When they were at their best  
*It* Came From... CBS  
To tear out the hearts of the fans.

Chorus:   
How depressing, Due South ending  
All Ben's niceness, unoffending  
Now slash fans write it, Ray and Benny   
Poor Meg, doesn't get any  
No Oh Oh Oh Oh  
Not in Due South, fandom fiction, DSX

Fangirls:  
I know that Alliance  
Stood up in defiance  
When first CBS lost their clues  
And they brought our boys back  
Thought I'd have an attack  
Seeing Ray in those tight prison blues  
Marciano said he'd  
Like to inbreed  
And pulled in his wife on two eps  
But Canucks have no clout,  
CBS sold us out  
Now the fanatics will have to take steps  
'Cos it's

Chorus:  
So depressing, Due South's ending  
Ben's so nice, and unoffending  
Slash fans keep writing, Ray and Benny   
Poor Meg, doesn't get any  
Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh  
In our Due South, fandom fiction, DSX  
Really good sex  
In our Due South, fandom fiction, DSX  
We use latex  
In our Due South, fandom fiction,   
D S X

  
  


**Guarding the Consulate**

Fraser:  
Ray?

Ray:  
Yes Fraser?

Fraser:  
I've got something to say.

Ray:  
 _Yes_ Fraser?

Fraser:  
I really love the . . . punctual way . . . you picked me up... from the Consulate today.

Ray:  
Fraser . . .

Fraser:  
I've hunted fugitives out on the lam, Ray. (Yes Ray)  
Froze, and did not give a damn, Ray. (Yes, Ray)  
But I'm living on canned beans and spam, Ray. (Yes, Ray)  
Now I'm doing one job and it's: stand, Ray and guard the Consulate

[Thatcher passes by.]

As a Mountie there's no one correcter (Inspector)  
I'm as saintly and sweet as the Rector. (Inspector)  
I've caught men worse than Hannibal Lechter! (Inspector)  
Now all I am is a protector, Inspector, of the Consulate

Here's my serge and I'm wearing my Stetson  
I'm a Mountie, Ray, understand  
I'm not asking to be George Jetson  
The R-C-M-P should be more grand!

Ray:  
Door duty is all that you've got. (Frase)  
And you know my career ain't so hot. (Frase)  
Hell, I hate this crap, and you know what? (Frase)  
I've one thing to say, it's sad, I'm mad, we're in a rut.  
Fraser...

Fraser:  
Oh Ray,

Ray:   
What, Fraser?

Fraser:  
I'll say.

Ray:  
Say _what_?

Fraser:   
Thiis is the day.

Fraser & Ray: We've got to find a better way!

Fraser:  
And that's go straight up to Ottowa now Ray (Yes, Ray)  
See if we can't find some way how Ray (Yes, Ray)  
To get a new job, with some _pow_ Ray (Yes, Ray)  
'Cos I feel like a housefrou, somehow, guarding the consulate.  
Oh Ray

Ray:  
You bet.

Fraser:  
Oh Ray.

Fraser & Ray:   
(in disgust) Consulate.

  
  
  
  


**Sweet Italian**

Dr. Ray:  
How do you do, I  
See you've met my  
Faithful talking Wolf  
He's just a little bit deaf  
But he's a master chef  
A vending machine on the hoof.

Now don't freak out, or get the chills  
'cos my feather boas are so tawny  
Italian men don't often wear high heels  
But my corsets are made by Armani  
I'm just a sweet Italian  
From Chicago, Illinois  
Let me show you my spread

I know that disco is dead  
But we could dance to Heart of Glass  
Or for your DSWS attack  
I've got a tape of Flashback  
That'll knock you boys flat on your ass.

Fraser:  
We don't intend to intrude,  
Nor to be rude  
We just need some directions

Ray:  
Yeah, right.

Fraser: We're a little bit lost  
But whatever the cost  
We'll act with all . . . circumspection 

Dr. Ray: So you've gone off the map, well, ain't that crap?  
Guys, you came to the right place  
I'll take care of you, it's the least I can do   
I'll dress you up in leather and black lace  
I'm just a sweet Italian  
From Chicago, Illinois

Why don't you stay here with me?

Dief Wolf:   
Me.

Dr. Ray:   
We'll . . . try it with three?

Francesca:   
Three.

Dr. Ray:  
You've been giving me kinky ideas.  
I might increase my bounty  
With my very own Mountie  
His bod will make me sing Ave Marias

I'm just a sweet Italian  
From Chicago, Illinois  
HIT IT, HIT IT!  
I'm just a sweet Italian

Francesca, Dief Wolf, Thank-You-Kindly-Elaine:   
Sweet Italian

Dr. Ray:  
From Chicago

Francesca, Dief Wolf, Thank-You-Kindly-Elaine:   
Illinois

Ray:  
So - come up and see my Riv,  
It's the best I've got to give  
I promise not to leave you   
. . . hanging.

I'll go work on the serge  
I think I'm on the verge.  
So I'll just go get to it.  
And see you . . . later.

 

===

1996

  



End file.
